


In Regards of Love

by Arleene_Haden



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, Strangers to Friends, Unhealthy Relationships, VictUuri, Violinist Katsuki Yuuri, Violinist Victor Nikiforov, but later on, not between victor and yuuri, you'll see later on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:35:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26974519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arleene_Haden/pseuds/Arleene_Haden
Summary: Love, relationships, lust. All is too difficult and confusing to Yuuri, a violinist studying in a music conservatory. Still, he managed to get himself a boyfriend.Things might change after watching his idol, famous violin soloist Victor Nikiforov, perform.Rated M for mentions of sexual acts, it's glossed over and won't really go into extreme detail.I might change the summary in the future, I don't want to accidentally spoil it. Please read the notes.Updated every other Monday.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri & Victor Nikiforov, Katsuki Yuuri/Original Character(s), Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Phichit Chulanont & Katsuki Yuuri
Comments: 20
Kudos: 39





	1. What the hell is love?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is a confusing thing, has always been, at least to Yuuri.  
> Relationships had always seemed like too much work, too much drama. Yet, he could only hope he’d meet someone that would sweep him off his feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, and welcome to my first multi-chaptered fic. This is not beta'ed so, sorry for any mistakes, although I did my best to edit it.  
> I want to set a few things straight before we begin our journey:  
> 1\. This story will start with the portrayal with an unhealthy relationship (manipulation, gaslighting, breadcrumbing, no respect for boundaries, etc.), but it won't get into physical violence.  
> 2\. There will be mentions of sexual activities (consensual and dubious consent), but it won't get too graphic.  
> 3\. It may seem in the beginning that the unhealthy relationship is romanticized, however that's not the case, and it will show in future chapters. Remember that people in those kind of relationships tend to turn a blind eye.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story, and be patient as it will be a slow burn.

Love is a confusing thing, has always been, at least to Yuuri.

Relationships had always seemed like too much work, too much drama. Yet, he could only hope he’d meet someone that would sweep him off his feet.

Yuuri had always been more interested in the romantic side of relationships, rather than the sexual. He sometimes wondered if something was wrong with him, if he was broken.

It all had started in high school. Classmates and friends started experimenting and sharing experiences, yet Yuuri could only feel uncomfortable.

However, there was one thing that bothered him the most, the phrase: making love.

Just hearing it made Yuuri cringe. Why was love something to be made? And why did it have to be about sex? Why couldn’t it be about doing something nice, or hugs or anything else? Why couldn’t people just call it what it was, sex? Yuuri once voiced his doubts but all he got was _‘You’ll get it, there’s a difference’_ , but was there really a difference? It was still sex.

Then he met Stephen.

Yuuri was dragged to a party by Phichit, they were supposed to stay together the whole night, but his friend disappeared not long after having gone inside the house. Yuuri was standing in a corner wishing he had stayed at his dorm instead. A stranger around a foot taller approached Yuuri and introduced himself as Stephen. He had dark chocolate colored hair, hazel eyes, skin a little tanned. Stephen was a shy and kind-hearted guy. He was in his second year at Med school, so he was the same age as Yuuri.

They spent the whole party talking and exchanged phone numbers before leaving. Their relationship took off from there.

Less than a month had passed after they became official, and then it happened. Stephen turned a sweet short kiss into a full on make out session. Yuuri didn’t dislike it, but he still wasn’t sure he wanted to be doing it. It seemed too soon. Maybe he was indeed broken, why wouldn’t he want to make out with his boyfriend? Still, he said nothing, he didn’t want to disappoint his boyfriend.

During high school and his year in college, Yuuri had thought of being asexual, but that couldn’t be the case if he liked the make out sessions, right? Maybe he was just a reserved person.

Yuuri did stop him when Stephen’s hands started roaming around.

Stephen just smiled and gave Yuuri a quick peck, reassuringly, telling him that they would take things slow if that’s what Yuuri wanted. Yuuri had never felt so loved in his life, he couldn’t understand how he ended up with such a sweet and understanding guy.

Maybe love wasn’t so confusing after all.

* * *

“Lena, your hand isn’t in the right position,” Yuuri said, tapping his student’s arm, “remember it has to be at an angle.” Yuuri grabbed his own bow and showed her how to grab it correctly.

The girl stopped playing and put her hand in the right position, looking at Yuuri for approval. When he nodded the girl resumed doing scales. The rest of the lesson went without a hitch, Lena was one of his best students after all. She picked things up quickly and had shown a lot of progress despite having started around a month ago. He could see a bright future awaiting her.

After the lesson was done, and receiving his payment for the day, Yuuri headed to his apartment.

Yuuri was a student at a music conservatory, with a violin tutoring job at the side to help with his expenses. He had a year left to graduate, and he was still uncertain about his future. He enjoyed his one-on-one lessons, but he couldn’t survive on that alone. He needed something that provided a steady income. His best friend, Phichit, had once offered him to start a string quartet to play at events after graduating. Yuuri had considered it, still was, but his anxiety started acting up just at the thought of playing in front of an audience.

Before he knew it, Yuuri was standing in front of his apartment. He opened the door and the smell of Chinese takeout engulfed him.

“I’m home.” Yuuri announced, taking his shoes off at the entrance and placing his violin case on top of the shoe storage bench.

“I ordered food, you didn’t make any before leaving and I didn’t know if you’d be home late.” His boyfriend stated unamused and went to kiss Yuuri.

Stephen’s kisses were unique. He always snuck his tongue into Yuuri’s mouth, not giving Yuuri any time to react at all. Stephen’s kisses were also very heated, rushed even. They seemed almost out of character, the shy guy he used to know was not there anymore. At the beginning of the relationship, two years prior, Stephen was a shy guy. He tripped over his words, a blush dusted his cheeks when talking to Yuuri, he even asked for permission to grab Yuuri’s hand! Yet, here he was, being bolder than ever, each day a bit more. But that was a good thing, that meant Stephen trusted Yuuri more. At least that’s what Yuuri said to himself. 

“I’ll be heading out,” Stephen broke the kiss, “I’ll send a text before I come back.” He kissed Yuuri once again, although it was more of a lick.

“I hope studying goes well.” Yuuri smiled sadly and gave Stephen a quick peck. His boyfriend was always busy, but he couldn’t blame him, med school was difficult after all.

Stephen mumbled something and left, leaving Yuuri alone.

Yuuri went straight to bed. It was only 7:45 in the evening, but he didn’t have the energy to do much. 

He started reminiscing about the past, about his relationship with Stephen. They seemed to be stuck in a routine lately; Yuuri busy with classes and tutoring, Stephen with his constant study sessions. And when they finally were free, they always stayed home. The last time they had gone out on a proper date had been months ago. Maybe he should do something about that.

Yuuri didn’t know when it started, but at some point his dates with Stephen always ended with them making out. Sometimes it was a little disappointing, he wanted to spend quality time with his boyfriend, talk about their day, about silly or important things, but it always ended with Stephen starting a make out session and Yuuri stopping him when Stephen wanted to go further.

It wasn’t that Yuuri was scared of sex, but more that it still didn’t feel like the right time.

He sometimes felt bad for his boyfriend of two years, as all Yuuri was comfortable with was making out when he knew Stephen wanted to keep going. But, Yuuri was also thankful that his boyfriend was so understanding. He had never gotten mad at him and said he’d wait until Yuuri was ready. Yuuri wondered if that time would ever come.

Some knocks on the front door brought Yuuri back to reality. He reluctantly got out of bed and opened the door. A very excited Phichit was waiting on the other side. 

“Yuuri, you’re going to love me even more!” Phichit smiled widely, getting inside the apartment as if he owned it, as usual, “I know your birthday is next week, but your gift takes place a day before it so I figured I’d give it to you now.” he handed Yuuri an envelope decorated with drawings of hamsters wearing party hats.

Yuuri opened the envelope and took out the contents, two tickets to be precise.

“Phichit, how?” Yuuri’s eyes widened. In his hands were two front row tickets to a performance of the local philharmonic orchestra, who would have none other than Victor Nikiforov as a guest violin soloist.

“I know someone.” Phichit winked and Yuuri laughed, “I know how much of a fan of Victor you are, and it’s not always that he plays anywhere near here, you can finally listen to him play live!” Phichit beamed, he almost seemed more excited than Yuuri.

Yuuri hugged his friend tightly. This was the most amazing gift he’d ever received.

They spent a couple hours talking. Phichit explained that one of the tickets was for Stephen, and that he was expecting a lot of pictures of their date. Yuuri agreed, it was the least he could do. He couldn’t even imagine how much Phichit had paid for the tickets, specially them being for front row seats.

After a while they bid their goodbyes.

Yuuri went back to bed, a big smile on his face. He couldn’t wait to tell Stephen.

* * *

The morning came and a slightly loud snoring woke Yuuri up. Yuuri turned to look at his boyfriend, Stephen seemed pretty tired even though he was sleeping. It didn’t surprise Yuuri, Stephen had arrived around 2 a.m. from his studying session. He decided to let Stephen get some more sleep. It was Saturday and they were both free so it wouldn’t do any harm.

“Morning, darling.” Stephen said, a yawn escaping from his mouth mid phrase.

“Good morning, slept well?” Yuuri laid on his side, facing Stephen.

“Yeah, but I’m still exhausted.” Stephen buried his face in his pillow, as if that would instantly make him fall back asleep.

“You can always sleep a bit longer, or take a nap later,” Yuuri started playing with Stephen’s hair, his boyfriend let out a hum, “but before you do, Phichit gave me some tickets as an early birthday present yesterday, they’re for the philharmonic and I was wondering if you were free on Friday night” Yuri said quickly, he didn’t know why but he always feared rejection when he asked Stephen out.

“The philharmonic?” Stephen raised an eyebrow.

“I-I know it’s not your thing, b-but I’d love to go with you” Yuuri stuttered, his anxiety rising.

Stephen sighed.

“I’ll see what I can do, it’s at night right?” Yuuri nodded, Stephen rubbed his eyes. “I’ll see if I can cancel the study session with everyone.” Stephen laid on his stomach and closed his eyes.

Ah, there it was. Stephen always turned dismissive when anyone asked him to do something he wasn’t interested in. Yuuri knew he didn’t mean it in a bad way, but it still hurt. Stephen was a good boyfriend, but he sometimes let stress get to him. Yuuri understood, he really did. Stephen loved him, if he didn’t he wouldn’t always be eager to make out with Yuuri any time he could, right?

Love was a confusing thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be picking lines from songs as titles, today's title is from Blue by Jon Bellion.  
> Thank you so much for reading! Kudos and comments are appreciated.  
> Read you soon!


	2. Build me up (just to let me down)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love’s supposed to hurt sometimes, isn’t it? Nothing can be perfect all the time, love was no exception.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back once again with a chapter. This one practically wrote itself. I have no beta so please excuse any mistakes, although I did my best to edit it.  
> I promise this is a Victuuri fanfic, I just need to set the backstory. This is a slow burn, after all.

The morning had been uneventful and a little awkward after Stephen’s dismissiveness regarding Yuuri’s invitation to see the philharmonic. The couple had breakfast in silence, only talking when they needed the other to pass something. The tension was thick, and it dragged on for hours.

It wasn’t until after lunch that Stephen finally broke the uncomfortable silence.

“I’m really sorry about this morning, darling,” There was a gleam of regret in his eyes, “you know I’m not a morning person.” Stephen looked down as if to make himself look remorseful, yet the apology didn’t feel sincere at all.

“It’s okay.” Yuuri answered meekly. 

Why was he even upset? He did know that Stephen’s mood wasn’t the best after waking up. Yuuri should be used to it after having been together for two years and shared a place for a year and a half. Still, it hurt. Love’s supposed to hurt sometimes, isn’t it? Nothing can be perfect all the time, love was no exception.

“I promise I’ll make it up to you,” Stephen kissed Yuuri quickly, yet sweetly, “how about we go out for dinner tonight?” He smiled with his eyes, that endearing smile that made Yuuri feel warm inside, that made him fall in love with Stephen. 

“It’d be nice, it’s been so long since we’ve gone on a date.” Yuuri said a bit dismissively, trying his best to hide the excitement running through his body. He didn’t want to seem desperate or clingy. This had been on his mind lately. No matter how much Stephen told him that being clingy was okay, Yuuri couldn’t help but feel like he was being annoying, or a burden. He knew he should trust Stephen, Yuuri should be used to his anxiety talking by now.

“Let’s go to that Japanese restaurant that opened last week, I heard they serve some killer pork cutlet bowls and it’s only a block away.” Stephen waited for Yuuri’s answer, the latter nodded, “Is seven okay?” Yuuri nodded again, “I’ll see you there then, I’ll be going now, I need to go to the library to do some research for a paper.” Stephen kissed Yuuri once again, his tongue making its way into Yuuri’s mouth. After a few seconds, Stephen broke the kiss and headed out.

Yuuri locked the door and proceeded to clean around. It wasn’t that the apartment was messy, but it gave Yuuri something to focus on rather than desperately wait until it was time for his date.

Time seemed to be merciful and passed quickly, once Yuuri was done with the -not much needed- chores, he decided to practice with his violin. He had to perform a piece in class soon and didn’t want to disappoint Professor Giacometti.

Yuuri grabbed his violin case and went to his room. In the corner, a sheet music stand awaited, along with the sheet music of Amy Beach’s _Violin Sonata in A minor, Op. 34._

He had taken days to choose a piece to play, but when he heard how melancholic the violin sounded during the first movement of the piece, Yuuri knew he had to play it. However, Yuuri was missing something: a pianist accompanist. Not that it was completely necessary, he could play it as a solo for the class, but he felt that the piano brought out more the bittersweetness of the piece.

Yuuri took the violin from its case, grabbed his bow, and started tuning his instrument meticulously. After a couple of minutes, he positioned himself to play. The soft sound of the violin engulfed the room. Sometimes Yuuri wondered if the neighbors could hear him, he hoped not, especially when he played the wrong note or out of tune. But at least in his room, he could pretend that no sound could go out from it.

He played the fragments of the first movement of the piece over and over again, until he deemed it decent. Then, he played it from the beginning. Yuuri lost himself in the music as his fingers and bow moved skillfully yet delicately. He was managing to play it without any major mistakes, he was so close to finishing the movement, and then…

His phone rang.

Yuuri jumped and the violin let out an out of tune cry. Yuuri winced at the sound. He put his violin on his bed and answered the phone.

“Phichit, you really call at the worst times, I swear.” Yuuri tried to calm his heart rate down.

“Did I scare you again? Sorry.” Yuuri could hear the smile on Phichit's face. Phichit had scared Yuuri by calling while practicing countless times. “But, I just wanted to know if you wanted to hang out at mine with Leo and Guang-Hong, also, I finally managed to convince Seung Gil to come, we’ll play some video games and watch movies.” Phichit said excitedly, Yuuri found it cute.

“Sorry Phichit, but I’m going out with Stephen tonight.” He always felt a pang of guilt whenever he had to turn his friend down.

“In that case, go get it boy!” Phichit said mockingly and hung up before saying goodbye rather loudly.

Yuuri went back to practicing, letting himself get lost in the music once again. Once he could feel his hands and fingers get sore, Yuuri decided he had practiced enough for the day, he wouldn’t gain anything from overworking himself.

After putting everything in its respective place, Yuuri took his phone to look at the hour: a quarter after six. It was the right time to start getting ready for his date if he wanted to be on time. He felt himself grow more excited by the second, just like when he had gone on his first date with Stephen. Had they really been together for two years?

Yuuri got out of his apartment 10 minutes before his date, he figured he could get on time as the restaurant was just a block away. Outside the weather was cold, wind blowing every so often. Yuuri was glad he had decided on putting on his black jacket before leaving.

He arrived at the restaurant exactly at 7 o’clock. A part of him expected to see Stephen already at a table, waiting for him but, alas, he could only see strangers enjoying their meals. How foolish of him, it’s not like Stephen usually was on time to their dates. Yuuri sat at a booth and took out his phone, as if looking at it would make Stephen appear at any moment.

Twenty minutes had passed, and Stephen still hadn’t arrived. Yuuri could feel the pitiful glances from the staff. It’s not as if this hadn’t happened before, yet why did he still feel embarrassed?

Yuuri took out his phone and called his boyfriend. Stephen picked up after four rings, loud chatter and laughter could be heard in the background.

“Are you okay, darling? You don’t usually call.” The hint of concern on Stephen’s voice almost made Yuuri happy.

“I, uh, I just wanted to know where you were.” Yuuri couldn’t bring himself to say he had been waiting for his boyfriend for a while now, that would make him look clingy.

“While I was at the library a friend called me to see if I wanted to go for drinks with everyone from the study group, so here I am, I’ll try not to get home late.” Stephen sounded so happy, so oblivious. He had forgotten about their date. Again.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it, I hope you have fun,” Yuuri said weakly, he wouldn’t cry because of this, it would be silly of him, it wasn’t the first time that this had happened “I just wanted to let you know that I’m going out to Phichit’s.” Yuuri forced himself to smile, maybe by doing it he could trick himself into not feeling as bad as he really did.

“Sure, have fun, see you later.” Stephen hung up.

Yuuri left the restaurant as quickly as he could, he wouldn’t set a foot in there for a long, long while. He had embarrassed himself enough. Yuuri hailed a taxi and headed to Phichit’s apartment. He knew Phichit would receive him with open arms.

Before he knew it, he was standing in front of Phichit’s door, laughter could be heard from the inside. Yuuri knocked on the door. Phichit opened it in record time and smiled widely, hugging him tightly before letting him get inside.

“Yuuri, I thought you couldn’t make it, everything okay?” Phichit whispered, not wanting the others to listen. It meant a lot to Yuuri that his friend always looked out for him.

“Yeah, I had the date mixed up.” Yuuri lied, knowing that Phichit would get mad if he knew that Stephen had ditched him for his friends.

Yuuri knew he shouldn’t, but he lied often so his friends or family wouldn’t think badly of Stephen. They didn’t know Stephen as well as Yuuri did. Yeah, maybe Stephen forgot or cancelled dates at the last minute, but it’s not that he wanted to hurt Yuuri. Stephen was always busy studying, it was normal that he wanted to spend some time hanging out with his friends, besides, he lived with Yuuri so it’s not like they didn’t spend time together at all.

“Anyways, I’m glad you could make it.” Phichit smiled. Yuuri was thankful his friend didn’t press the issue any further.

Yuuri and Phichit went to the living room to join the others. A movie was playing, but no one was watching it. It served more as a background noise. Guang-Hong was talking with Leo, Seung Gil just looked like he’d rather be somewhere else. Yuuri decided to sit next to him, he didn’t want to talk much.

“Yuuri, how’s your piece for Giacometti’s class going?” Phichit asked, making everyone groan. There goes Yuuri’s hopes of not talking.

“You said we weren’t supposed to talk about classes!” Leo whined, throwing his head back. Guang-Hong giggled at Leo’s reaction. Seung Gil suddenly appeared interested. Yuuri just sighed.

“It’s going well, I need to look for a pianist to accompany me though.” Maybe Yuuri should have just stayed home.

“I can do it.” Seung Gil proposed out of nowhere, shocking everyone, it wasn’t usual for him to do favors for anyone. “What? I’m aware that there’ll be times where I’ll have to play ensemble, so I might as well start practicing now.” And there it was. It wasn’t that Seung Gil didn’t like helping people, he just was so dedicated to practicing and perfecting his skills, everything else came second.

Yuuri exchanged phone numbers with Seung Gil with the promise of sending a message the next day to agree on a schedule that could work for both. Yuuri knew that they’d most likely be practicing at Seung Gil’s, given that a piano wasn’t exactly an easy instrument to move around.

As happy as Yuuri was of having found an accompanist to practice with, that meant he’d spend even less time with his boyfriend. Maybe he could figure something out, besides, Stephen did agree to go to see the philharmonic with Yuuri. He knew not to get his hopes up, though; Yuuri didn’t want to be disappointed or upset again. Yuuri didn’t want to be let down again, but if it was Stephen, he could endure it one more time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's title comes from Build Me Up Buttercup by The Foundations.  
> What do you think of Stephen? I hate making Yuuri suffer but oh well.  
> I hope you liked this chapter so feel free to let me know in the comments or just leave kudos, everything is appreciated.  
> Read you soon!


	3. I’ll give you anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No matter how many times people told him that Stephen was doing the bare minimum for their relationship, Yuuri wouldn’t hear it, because he knew better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick heads up: This chapter mentions some sexual activities (not in detail) that are not entirely consensual. It's weird to describe.
> 
> If you find yourself in a relationship like this, please take care of yourself. No one deserves crumbs of love. You deserve the whole thing, so don't settle for anything less.

Yuuri got back home from Phichit’s past one in the morning. He expected Stephen to be home already, waiting for him, but that wasn’t the case.

Yuuri didn’t like when his boyfriend stayed out until late, or early morning –depending how you saw it. A night out for Stephen usually included alcohol, which made him make reckless decisions and end up hurt. There had been countless times where Stephen had come back home with scratches or bruises from tripping and falling, and sometimes crashing into things. Knowing that Stephen would most likely come home hurt made Yuuri’s anxiety act up. But, he could always ask Stephen to take care of himself, right? Wrong.

Yuuri had tried talking to his boyfriend about not getting so drunk, but Stephen had only dismissed him by saying that it “wasn’t that bad” as he didn’t get to hang out with his friends often. That was Stephen’s favorite excuse. And even if a small part of Yuuri didn’t like it, Stephen was right. Yeah, maybe Stephen spent all of his evenings with his friends studying at the library, but it wasn’t the same as hanging out somewhere else. Besides, Yuuri thought it’d be irrational of him to ask Stephen to go out together instead every once in a while since they shared an apartment.

It wasn’t that Stephen was a bad boyfriend. No. Stephen was sweet and caring, so patient too. He was just busy with med school. And, yes, maybe Stephen’s friends did have free time to spend wherever they wanted or with their own significant others –many while also having a part time job– but they weren’t as dedicated with their studies as Stephen was. At least that’s what Yuuri always told himself.

Still, Yuuri couldn’t be upset, Stephen always told him that he’d make it up to Yuuri one day. It was always like that. Every time Stephen forgot about a date or an anniversary, every time he’d make plans or trips with his friends at the last minute, every time he came home drunk; Yuuri could clearly hear Stephen’s ‘I’ll make it up to you soon, I promise’, but soon never came. Something more important always came up.

The quiet click of the room’s door closing brought Yuuri back to reality. He turned around to see Stephen undressing, getting ready for bed.

“Welcome back.” Yuuri said softly, almost as if whispering, it felt wrong to speak loudly so late.

“I thought you were asleep already.” Stephen’s voice didn’t slur as Yuuri expected. Yuuri just hummed in acknowledgement. “I didn’t drink much tonight, just a beer, so you wouldn’t worry.” Maybe Yuuri should’ve been thankful, but Stephen made it sound more as a complaint rather than a reassurance.

Once Stephen was only wearing his boxers, he lied in bed facing Yuuri. They looked at each other’s eyes for a while. It was one of Yuuri’s favorite things, to get lost in the eyes of the person he loves the most. It felt intimate.

Stephen closed the short distance and started kissing Yuuri. It started sweet, slowly. Then Stephen’s tongue found its way into Yuuri’s mouth, as per usual. Sweet kisses turned into a messy clash of tongues. Then, Yuuri found himself pinned by Stephen into the mattress. Stephen’s mouth found its way down to Yuuri’s neck, eliciting a breathy moan.

Things always went the same way. First, Stephen would quickly get Yuuri off, either with a handjob or a blowjob, but it always felt rushed. Then, Yuuri was expected to return the favor, but taking his time. Yuuri wanted Stephen to enjoy himself, he had to be a good boyfriend, he couldn’t let Stephen down.

Some days, Stephen managed to make Yuuri feel loved, and cherished. Sometimes it didn’t feel as if lust was Stephen’s only drive, and even he affirmed that what they did was out of love. Then why did Yuuri always end up feeling used afterwards?

“Stephen, no.” Yuuri pushed his boyfriend lightly, not wanting to hurt his feelings.

“No? Why?” Stephen sounded surprised and disappointed, that was… unusual.

“Uh, because I don’t want to?” It was supposed to be a statement but ended up sounding like a question. Yuuri could see tears start forming in Stephen’s eyes. “I-It’s just that, it’s late, a-and I’m tired.” He could feel his anxiety rise. He made Stephen upset. He had really messed up.

“Oh, right.” Stephen lied back in bed, his back towards Yuuri.

“S-Stephen?” Yuuri whispered, fearing his voice would crack if he spoke louder.

“You don’t love me anymore, is that it?” Stephen’s voice was shaky, as if he was about to cry.

“W-what? No! S-Stephen…” Yuuri fought his own tears. Why did he have to say no? Why couldn’t he have been a good boyfriend?

“Leave it, Yuuri.” Stephen’s voice was cold, he never called him by his name. “I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.” He got up and left the room.

As soon as the door closed Yuuri curled himself up and started crying silently, not wanting for Stephen to hear. Yuuri deserved it, he was a bad boyfriend. Of course Stephen had gotten upset, Yuuri had no reason to deny his boyfriend’s advances, they had been together for two years, after all.

* * *

Stephen wasn’t home when Yuuri woke up. He didn’t leave a note of his whereabouts as he usually would. Yuuri thought about sending a message to Stephen, but decided against it. It was better to let him have his space for the time being. They could always talk later.

Yuuri got out of bed and went straight for his violin. After a quick tuning he began playing the first movement of  _ Violin Sonata in A minor, Op. 34. _ by Amy Bach. The piece sounded sadder than usual. The violin weeping beautifully for Yuuri. He let himself get lost in the notes, trying to forget about how he was feeling.

He played for what felt like hours. There still wasn’t any sign of Stephen.

Yuuri put his violin back in its case and sent a message to Seung-Gil to ask if they could practice that day. He didn’t expect for Seung-Gil to accept, but he sent his address instantly and expected Yuuri to be there promptly.

After taking a quick shower and grabbing a granola bar to make up for his missed breakfast, Yuuri grabbed his violin case and music sheets and headed out. Stephen probably wouldn’t be bothered by his absence, if he even noticed it that is.

* * *

Seung-Gil’s apartment was surprisingly nice, for a student’s standard that is. The place looked pretty polished, with a minimalistic and modern vibe to it that almost made the black grand piano look out of place. Yuuri wondered how Seung-Gil could afford such a place.

Seung-Gil didn’t waste any time and sat at the piano, putting the music sheets in order, and gesturing Yuuri to get ready as well.

After tuning his violin quickly, Yuuri and Seung-Gil began playing together. It took a couple of tries to get in sync with each other, they’d certainly need to practice.

“When will you play?” Seung-Gil asked, his voice sounding as indifferent as always.

“Next Monday at four, so after classes, I know a week to practice is not ideal, but..” Yuuri started to feel guilty, he didn’t want to mess up again. He couldn’t bear having someone else be mad at him.

“I can work with that, can you?” Seung-Gil interrupted his spiraling thoughts.

“Yes, I think we’ll get in sync before the week ends.” Yuuri said as confidently as he could. He was sure of it, but his overthinking didn’t help.

* * *

Yuuri was back home at his apartment at around eight. He had left Seung-Gil’s apartment at five –both feeling pleased with their progress– but went to a coffee shop to kill some time, dreading to face Stephen. But he couldn’t keep stalling, he had to go back home sooner or later. So there he was, standing in front of his apartment’s door, fidgeting with his keys.

In a quick moment of bravery, Yuuri opened the door and saw Stephen sitting on the couch watching a soccer game. Yuuri was expecting screams, complaints, tears, demands of apologies; instead, he was met with Stephen’s warm smile, a tight hug and a sweet peck on the lips.

“I ordered some katsudon from that restaurant a block away, I was waiting for you so we could have dinner together, let me go get it.” Stephen pecked Yuuri’s lips once again, and cheerily headed to the kitchen.

Yuuri’s nerves dissipated. Stephen had decided to not talk about it, and as much as he would’ve liked to talk the issue out, Yuuri wasn’t going to press it further. He had upset Stephen enough, his boyfriend didn’t deserve to feel like that, not when he finally felt happy again. He even got Yuuri’s favorite food. Stephen was such a good boyfriend, Yuuri hoped he could be as good one day.

“How was your day? I got worried when I noticed you weren’t here.” Stephen smiled.

Ah, he was such a sweet boyfriend, asking how Yuuri’s day was. Stephen wasn’t mad, he had been worried! Such a caring boyfriend. Yuuri didn’t deserve him.

“It was nice, I was practicing a piece with a pianist that I’ll play for a class.” Yuuri felt his excitement start to bubble up. “It’s actually after school hours, at four, the teacher let us have a plus one, so you could come if you’re free?” Anxiety accompanied Yuuri’s excitement. He shouldn’t be asking Stephen for something when things had been rough recently.

“I wouldn’t miss it for anything.” Stephen winked and laughed softly. “I love you, darling.” He kissed Yuuri slowly and sweetly.

“I love you too, always will.” Yuuri answered, his lips still touching Stephen’s. He could feel his boyfriend smile, it made Yuuri’s heart soar with happiness.

No matter how many times people told him that Stephen was doing the bare minimum for their relationship, Yuuri wouldn’t hear it, because he knew better. 

They spent the rest of the night cuddling on the couch watching movies. At some point one of Stephen’s hands began to wander around and found itself caressing Yuuri’s thigh, going dangerously high each time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's title comes from Skott's Kodak and Codeine.  
> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are appreciated.  
> Read you soon!


	4. You're making a ruin of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes their relationship felt like that, as if Stephen was a vine that managed to wrap tightly to every aspect of his life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's chapter is slightly shorter. Mostly because I had to write a 20 page paper and my brain was fried. I still did my best to revise it and edit it, but if you see any mistakes let me know.  
> Hope you enjoy today's chapter!

The loud beeping of the alarm woke Yuuri up, as well as the coldness and emptiness next to him; it wasn’t rare for Stephen to leave earlier than Yuuri without saying goodbye, especially on Mondays.

With a yawn, and after a quick stretch, he grabbed some clothes and headed to the bathroom to get a much needed shower after last night’s activities with his boyfriend. Usually, Yuuri would take a shower as soon as Stephen fell asleep –as the water helped wash the feeling of being used off–, but last night his boyfriend had decided to fall asleep holding him tightly, trapping him. Sometimes their relationship felt like that, as if Stephen was a vine that managed to wrap tightly to every aspect of his life. 

After rushedly brushing his hair and teeth, and deciding to skip breakfast, Yuuri grabbed his messenger bag and his violin case and headed to the conservatory. Not wanting to deal with the anxiety that taking a bus or a taxi entailed, he decided to walk, not that it was far, besides, he’d save some money that way.

Yuuri enjoyed going for walks as it helped him with his anxiety, but he couldn’t find the time to do so ever since he started going out with Stephen. It wasn’t as if his boyfriend forbade him from it, yet the few times he did go for a walk Stephen had gotten upset claiming that Yuuri wanted to avoid him because he was finding a way to break up.

With a sigh, Yuuri arrived at the conservatory and headed to his first lecture of the day. Theory lessons were his favorite, it helped him comprehend music better, or so he liked to think. However, that didn’t mean he didn’t dread the exams that took place at the middle and end of the term. 

The day went by uneventfully, and Yuuri was glad for it. After what had happened during the weekend, he could really use some calm. He was currently on his last lecture of the day, Professor Giacometti was going over the details for their upcoming performance.

The buzzing of his phone caught his attention, it was unusual for someone to try to contact him while he was at the conservatory. A message from Stephen: We need to talk. Come home as soon as your classes end, I’ll be waiting.

Suddenly everything seemed to disappear. Yuuri couldn’t hear his professor’s voice, or see the people sitting in front of him. His hands began to tremble, he could feel his forehead and hands start to sweat, he felt the hem of his sweater start to choke him, he felt hot despite the classroom being cold. Breathing started to become difficult.

He read his boyfriend’s text over and over, trying to find something, anything, that let him know what was going on, but it was futile. Had he upset Stephen again? Did he unknowingly do something bad or wrong? What did they need to talk about?

Nothing good ever came from Stephen’s we-need-to-talk texts. Around a year ago, he almost broke up with Yuuri via text, and that’s how their conversation had started. Was it happening this time? No, he was being ridiculous, Stephen loved him, right? Or maybe Stephen had finally realized that he deserved someone better. Maybe Stephen finally got fed up with his antics. Maybe Stephen got tired of him. No, that was just his anxiety talking.

Another reason for Stephen’s we-need-to-talk texts was to break bad news. Two months ago, he received that same text, and as soon as he got to the apartment his boyfriend told him that Vicchan –his toy poodle– had gotten run over and didn’t survive the accident.

Yuuri began putting his stuff inside his bag and left the classroom as quietly as he could, trying –and succeeding– to not grab anyone’s attention. Not that it mattered, class was about to end soon anyways.

He walked as fast as his shaky legs and the tightness in his chest let him, he needed to get to the apartment as quickly as possible. Lost in his worsening panic attack, Yuuri failed to see the person standing in front of him facing the opposite way, and so, he walked face first into the stranger’s back.

Not expecting the impact, Yuuri let out a startled yelp and looked at the floor while muttering his apologies. He was about to leave, but the stranger seemed to have other plans.

“Don’t apologize, I was standing in the middle of the hall.” Yuuri heard the stranger say, he must’ve been a foreigner judging by his accent. “Do you perhaps know where I can find Christophe Giacometti?”

Yuuri had barely listened to the stranger, but managed to grasp his professor’s name. He hastily muttered the directions to get to the classroom, his gaze still on the floor, hoping that the stranger could hear and understand him. Yuuri just wanted to be at his apartment already. Thankfully, that seems to be the case as the stranger thanked him and went on his merry way.

The trip to his apartment was blurry, if you had told Yuuri he had teleported there, he would’ve believed it. With trembling hands he unlocked the door, greeted by the sight of Stephen sitting on the couch.

“I-I’m back.” Yuuri announced quietly while closing the door and took off his shoes. Then, he headed to the bedroom to leave his violin case and his messenger bag there. Once he was back in the living room, Stephen motioned Yuuri to sit by his side. “You… you wanted to talk?” He looked at his hands, scratching right under the thumb of his left hand.

“Yes, I wanted to tell you this for a while now, but I didn’t know how..” Stephen let out a sigh, Yuuri’s chest tightened even more. “This isn’t working anymore.”

Yuuri turned to look at his boyfriend with a horrified expression. “What?!” he winced, he didn’t mean for his voice to come out that loudly. Stephen just looked back at him quizzically.

“Geez, I knew you liked that tablet, but I didn’t think it’d affect you that much.” His boyfriend huffed. Suddenly Yuuri noticed the tablet in Stephen’s lap.

“I, why didn’t you just tell me in the text?” everything was becoming overwhelming. Even though he knew now that everything was okay, he couldn’t shake off the feeling of an upcoming panic attack.

“I knew you had some of the songs you play in there, I didn’t want to worry you while you were still at school, you know how you get.” Stephen shrugged and looked at Yuuri, who had a pained expression on his face.

“W-What’s that supposed to mean?” Yuuri’s voice cracked. He was already a mess, he couldn’t deal with an added insecurity too. 

“See! I didn’t want you to get like this!” Stephen whined.

“Well, I’m sorry, but it seemed as if you wanted to discuss something serious.” Yuuri could feel his emotions begin to overflow. “The last time you sent me a ‘we need to talk’ text, you told me that Vicchan passed away, I thought something bad had happened!” he could feel tears rolling down his cheeks, despite not feeling sad.

Stephen groaned and rolled his eyes. “I can’t deal with this.” He stood up and headed to the front door. “I hope you’re all sorted out when I come back.”

And with that, Stephen left.

Maybe it would have been better if his boyfriend had told him that he wanted to break up instead. No, what was he even thinking? 

Yuuri laid down on the couch and curled himself, letting the tears fall freely. Of all the things he was feeling, the one that reigned at the moment was frustration. Why couldn’t he control his emotions better? Why did he let his anxiety get to him?

Stephen had managed to wrap himself into every aspect of Yuuri’s life, just like a vine. And as pretty as vines were, they grew on the expense of the plants they were climbing. The vine of Stephen’s love was starting to feel suffocating, as if it was choking him instead of the careful embrace it started as. But as much as it was killing him inside, he couldn’t dare cut it. He didn’t know if it was out of love or out of fear of losing the comforting familiarity of their relationship. No, he didn’t want to think about it.

Feeling exhausted after the ordeal, Yuuri let sleep take over him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's title comes from Jon Bellion's "The Good in Me".  
> Every kudo, comment, bookmark and read is very much appreciated. Always feel free to leave comments in my works, no matter how old they might get.  
> Read you soon!


	5. Stranger, that’s all I see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Stephen, do you love me?” Yuuri asked, his vision was getting blurry.  
> “What? of course I love you.” Stephen said a bit loudly. “If anything, I should be the one asking that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Today's chapter was actually the first one I wrote for this story, it was originally going to be the beginning but I ended up wanting to give a bit of an insight of Yuuri's and Stephen's relationship  
> I hope you enjoy today's chapter!

Things stayed tense for the next couple of days. Yuuri felt as if he was walking on eggshells. He hated the uncertainty that faced his relationship with Stephen, but he believed it would all be okay. After all, they were a team, the best, and they always came out stronger whenever they fought. This would be no different, and yet Stephen had started to leave their apartment earlier and come back later than usual. It was painfully obvious that he was avoiding Yuuri. Things were going awfully bad, until they weren’t.

Friday arrived sooner than expected, mostly because Yuuri was lost between his fight with Stephen and his practice with Seung-Gil. Things went back to normal after Yuuri apologized to Stephen for overreacting. Stephen had just told him that he wasn’t mad anymore, hadn’t been for a while, but that it was nice to still hear an apology.

It wasn’t unusual for Stephen’s mood to change out of nowhere, most of the times it was because he wanted to be pampered by his boyfriend. And Yuuri never disappointed. He was always striving to be the perfect boyfriend that Stephen wanted and deserved.

Yuuri knew that the reason for his boyfriend’s sudden change of heart was the date they were going to have later that day; Stephen wanted to use him again, and who was he to deny his boyfriend’s advances? It wasn’t as if Stephen didn’t respect his wishes. Even though his boyfriend could go all the way with Yuuri if he wanted, he never did. Stephen respected his boyfriends wishes, even if he wasn’t completely happy about it.

“Ready to go, darling?” Yuuri could hear the smirk in Stephen’s voice.

He looked at himself in the mirror. He was wearing a black button up shirt that was covered by his navy blue coat and his gray scarf, and some black slacks. He had tried doing his hair but to no avail, no matter how much he tried it didn’t stay in place.

“Yeah, let’s go, there might be traffic and I don’t want to be late.” he sighed and went to his boyfriend’s side.

The drive to the venue was silent. Yuuri looked at his boyfriend’s attire, it was...inadequate. Stephen was wearing a hoodie and some old jeans. Yuuri had told him that he should dress a bit formal for the occasion, but it looked like he had forgotten, or maybe hadn’t cared. 

As soon as they arrived at the venue they headed inside and found their seats, Phichit had managed to get them first row ones. Yuuri made a mental note to thank him and buy that new hamster cage his friend wanted.

“What songs will they be playing?” Stephen asked, shifting in his seat, trying to get comfortable.

“Pieces.” Yuuri corrected, after all this time and his boyfriend still made the same mistake no matter how many times he tried to correct him. “And Sibelius' violin concerto in D minor, it’s not that long, around half an hour.” He smiled at his boyfriend who let out a groan.

Soon enough everyone from the orchestra started taking their place. Then, entered the conductor, who took a bow and motioned for their guest’s entrance, the one and only, Victor Nikiforov. He looked dashing in his black tuxedo, it was a contrast to his pale skin and silver hair.

Watching Victor play was hypnotizing. He did it so effortlessly and in such an elegant way. His face was expressive, but not because of concentration but because of the feelings the movements conveyed. It was so much more different watching him play in person than on the videos Yuuri watched from time to time. Listening to Victor play was way better in person, none of those videos could compare to the live version.

Time passed way too quickly for Yuuri’s liking, and the concerto came to an end. However, he didn’t expect for the conductor to announce that they would be playing a piece that Nikiforov composed himself recently, one that hadn’t been played before: La Parfum des Fleurs.

The piece started and Yuuri could barely contain his excitement. It sounded like a waltz, but the kind they’d dance at a fairy-tale-like movie. It sounded dream-like. The piece was sweet yet a tinge of melancholy could be heard.

“Can you not? it’s embarrassing.” Stephen’s voice broke Yuuri from his trance. It was then when he realized that he was crying.

It wasn’t common for Yuuri to cry to pieces, but this one did it after the stressful week he had had. Much to Stephen’s annoyance, he let his tears keep falling until the piece ended. 

The applause at the end was deafening. Yuuri could only hope that one day people would clap that way for him.

Far too soon it was time to leave, to Yuuri’s disgrace and to Stephen’s relief. Yuuri talked all the way back to their apartment about how good the performance had been and how he hoped it had been recorded as he wanted to listen to it again.

“I swear I almost fell asleep at some point, more with the last song.” Stephen opened the door to the apartment and let his boyfriend in, closing and locking the door shortly after. “I don’t know how you can actually enjoy that.” He let himself fall to the couch.

“How could I not? It’s so complex yet so simple.” Yuuri smiled sheepishly. “I don’t know how to explain it.” He sat next to his boyfriend and rested his head on his shoulder.

They stayed in silence for a while, basking in each other's presence. Then, Stephen lifted Yuuri’s chin and turned his head slightly so that they could kiss. Yuuri melted at the tender gesture and let himself kiss back. But Stephen wouldn’t be satisfied with just some chaste pecks, no. His tongue tried to find its way into Yuuri’s mouth, but he didn’t budge. Stephen was insistent and kept licking Yuuri’s lips, growing desperate at his boyfriend’s denial. 

“Why are you like this?” Stephen finally broke the kiss. “I sat through the most boring hour of my life just for you, I think I deserve a proper kiss at the very least.” He huffed.

“You should’ve told me if you didn’t want to go.” Yuuri frowned.

“So that you would get like you always do? I’d rather not deal with that, it’s burdensome.” He rolled his eyes.

“So I am a burden, huh?” Yuuri said with disbelief.

“Yeah, sometimes.” Stephen looked at Yuuri straight in the eyes.

“Stephen, do you love me?” Yuuri asked, his vision was getting blurry.

“What? of course I love you.” Stephen said a bit loudly. “If anything, I should be the one asking that.”

“What do you mean?” Yuuri tried to look for an answer in Stephen's eyes, but he could only see frustration.

“We’ve been together for a bit over two years, Yuuri, and we still haven’t had sex! Tell me how am I supposed to know that you love me, or better yet, how am I supposed to properly show you that I love you?” Stephen’s voice raised gradually as he spoke.

“There are a lot of ways, Stephen!” Yuuri screamed back, “You can show me that you love me by calling or sending a message wishing me a good day!” His sight was getting blurrier by the second. “You can show me that you love me by remembering things that are important to me!” Was the world disappearing? it felt like it was “You can show me that you love me by making me feel special, by cherishing me, by not forgetting about our dates!” It was getting hard to breathe. “You don’t need kisses or make out sessions or handjobs or blowjobs or to have sex to show how much you love someone!” Yuuri couldn’t take it anymore, he let his tears fall for the second time that night. His world was shattering all around him, and he couldn’t put those broken pieces back together this time.

“Yuuri, darling, I’m sorry” Stephen’s voice was soft, his hand was resting on Yuuri’s shoulder. “I... I can’t do this anymore” it sounded almost like a whisper.

“So you’re giving up on me? On us? After having promised me forever?” Yuuri’s world was truly shattering “I told you! I fucking told you, Stephen!” His voice was bitter, he was crying out of anger and sadness “I told you to not make me love you if all you wanted was sex, because I didn’t know when I was going to be able to do it, or at all! I fucking told you from the start!” Yuuri’s voice broke at the end, he felt like passing out.

Was this how heartbreak felt like? Like death? Like destruction? Like losing yourself?

“I thought you were testing me.” Stephen looked defeated, just like on that first fight they had so long ago. “We can still be friends right? You’re still important to me, I don’t want to lose you.” He was at the brink of crying too.

Yuuri couldn’t tell if what Stephen was saying was real or just more empty words. Was anything he said ever real? Were all those I-love-you’s lies?

“Fuck off.” Yuuri said incredulous “Get the fuck out of my apartment, I don’t ever want to see you again, I don’t want to ever hear from you again, you’re nothing but a mere stranger now, so please leave!” Yuuri tried to say as calmly as possible, but his voice was shaking and tears ran down his cheeks.

Stephen left without a word.

Yuuri was expecting for Stephen to fight for him, to say they’d try to fix things together, to say he really did love Yuuri. But Stephen just left and took a part of Yuuri with him.

Yuuri thought that he had found someone that loved him for being himself, someone that accepted him fully. But Stephen just used him as he pleased. Stephen only acted sweetly whenever he wanted Yuuri’s help to unwind from the stress of med school. Of course he was going to leave when he didn’t get what he wanted after waiting for so long.

Yuuri couldn’t help but wonder if he was broken, if he was meant to be alone. Maybe he didn’t even deserve love in the first place.

He couldn’t think. He wanted everything to stop. He couldn’t breathe. His chest felt as if it was being crushed. He felt like throwing up. He felt dizzy. He felt someone was pulling his hair, but that could not be possible, he was alone.

Alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's title is from "A Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant to Be" by Jess Benko.  
> Thank you for reading, it really means a lot. Feel free to leave kudos, comments, or to bookmark this fanfic, everything is appreciated.  
> You can find me on twitter, if you want to for some reason @Arleene_Haden  
> Read you soon!


	6. I'm crying out for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was no physical proof those memories ever existed. Where were they stored? In his brain, only to be forgotten as the years went by? In his heart, only for it to hurt when something reminded him of the love he once had? In his soul, only for him to feel empty and craving for everything he had lost?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter started as one thing, and ended up as another. But I have like the next two chapters already planned out, so look forward to that.

Yuuri woke up around 11 a.m. to a phone notification, a message from Stephen that read: “When can I pick my things up?”

Sitting up properly, he felt everything coming back to him, almost crushing him. It hadn’t been a bad dream. No, his worst nightmare had become his new reality. A loud sob escaped from his lips, tears falling freely.

He grabbed his phone with shaky hands and sent a message to Stephen saying that he could pick his things up while he was out giving a violin lesson at 4 and expected Stephen to be done and gone that evening at 6. 

He laid on the couch for a while, trying to calm himself down, drying his tears as they fell. He managed to calm himself down after a while. Not feeling up to changing from last night’s clothes, Yuuri stood up and went to the kitchen, maybe food would help fill the void he currently felt inside him.

He kept his gaze on the floor as he walked. He didn’t want to look at all those framed photos of him and Stephen. It was difficult, though, and he couldn’t help it. He looked at his surroundings, and realization hit him: there was only one picture of them. Said photo was standing in the bookshelf, half hidden behind some anatomy books.

Suddenly, he felt deceived. Where were all the photos?

Right. There were none.

He didn’t even bother fighting his tears, how could he? What was he thinking? of course there weren’t more pictures of them around, neither liked having their pictures taken. But why did it hurt? Yuuri grabbed his phone and frantically checked his photo gallery. He knew he was being silly; he knew he wouldn’t have any pictures of them in there, but he still wanted to prove himself wrong. However, he only found pictures of Vicchan, and a few candid pictures of Stephen. There were no pictures of them together, none at all. I almost felt as if the last two years hadn’t happened. There was no physical proof those memories ever existed. Where were they stored? In his brain, only to be forgotten as the years went by? In his heart, only for it to hurt when something reminded him of the love he once had? In his soul, only for him to feel empty and craving for everything he had lost?

Not feeling up to eating anymore, Yuuri went to the bathroom, maybe a shower would help him, and even if it didn’t, the shower wasn’t a bad place to cry in.

He caught a glimpse of himself in the bathroom’s mirror. His clothes were all wrinkly for having slept with them on, his hair was a tousled mess, and his eyes were all red and swollen. Heartbreak never looked good on anyone, much less on him. Heartbreak made him look even more of a mess than he already was.

After a long, hot shower (and a long crying session), Yuuri was wearing a slightly oversized sweater and some old jeans. He couldn’t care less about his appearance at the moment, besides, he wasn’t that poorly dressed for his lesson later that day.

He laid down on his bed, somehow taking a shower exhausted him. He was wrapped up in the covers, yet he felt cold. The bed didn’t feel right either. It felt too big, too lonely. Maybe that’s what going from sharing a bed with someone for two years to sleeping alone did to someone.

After rolling around for a while, Yuuri decided to go out. He didn’t really want to, but he couldn’t bear the deafening silence of the apartment.

He walked without a destination, probably longer than he should have as his feet started to hurt. He stopped walking and found himself in front of a small coffee shop. The place was almost empty, only the staff and two customers were inside, it was most likely the only peaceful place he would be able to find for the time being.

Not talking more than necessary, Yuri ordered a green tea and sat at a booth in a corner of the establishment, far away from the staff and the other customers. He didn’t want to risk getting caught crying.

It didn’t take long for a girl of the staff to give Yuuri his tea, he could’ve sworn he saw a sympathetic smile on her face, but he wasn’t sure as his unshed tears were blurring his vision. He drank his tea as slowly as possible. In other circumstances, he would’ve done it to savor his drink and enjoy the moment, but now, he only did so because he couldn’t even stomach it. 

He let out a long sigh, and took another sip of his tea, smaller this time. If he was being honest with himself, he didn’t want to go back to his apartment, it held too many memories. He could move, but it’d be a hassle. Then again, rent would become a problem now that Stephen wasn’t going to pay his part, not like he always did anyway. Maybe he could move in with Phichit when his lease ended and until he found a new place, but that would have to be his last option, he couldn’t burden his friend like that. He should start looking for places before giving his landlord his moving notice.

Yuuri sank in his seat. Why did things have to turn out like this now? He had to focus on his studies, on his work. How could he do that when he felt so broken inside?

He stayed at the coffee shop longer than he should have, but no one from the staff complained or ushered him to go and stop loitering. He muttered a goodbye before leaving, and he received one back from the two girls behind the counter.

Once again, he started walking without a destination in mind. He walked for hours, his feet were sore, and he could feel a blister had formed, but he didn’t care. The soreness was more tolerable than the emotional emptiness he felt. He wondered if that’s how he would always feel from now on. Sure, he could pretend to be happy in front of his friend, or his classmates, but he would still feel empty. He could call Phichit and tell him what had happened, but he couldn’t. No, asking Phichit to comfort him would only burden his friend, and he couldn't burden anyone anymore. That’s why Stephen, the boy that had told Yuuri he couldn’t wait to form a family with him, had left him after all, who was to say that his friend wouldn’t leave as well?

The alarm on his phone went off, his lesson would be starting in less than half an hour. He hailed a taxi even though he wanted to keep walking, he was already a little underdressed, he couldn’t be late to the lesson on top of that. That would get him fired for sure.

The lesson was a complete blur. He could hear himself correcting his student, Lena, but it sounded as if someone else was speaking. He couldn’t give Lena examples as he usually did because he hadn’t brought his violin. He didn’t think he’d end up being out all day. 

Yuuri helped Lena go through a piece she would be playing in a competition. The girl didn’t need much help per se, she just had small things to polish. Yuuri focused on the music and kept his mind clear during the two hours of the lesson. He couldn’t still wrap his mind around how he even ended up giving lessons to someone at a competing level, he felt it should be the other way around. But who was he to argue? He needed the money, now more than ever. Maybe he could find another part-time job.

Lena’s dad paid him for the lesson, and both bid Yuuri goodbye and thanked him for his time, as per usual. It was always comforting, but he could feel the dread settling. He didn’t want to go back to his apartment, but he just couldn’t avoid it, he had to face it sooner or later.

The walk back to his apartment was quicker than usual, much to Yuuri’s dismay, then again, he did tend to walk faster when something was making him anxious. But there was no reason to be anxious right? It was past 6 already, Stephen must’ve been gone for a while now.

Releasing the breath, he didn’t know he was holding, Yuuri opened the door to his apartment slowly. The apartment didn’t look different, yet it didn’t feel the same. The bookshelf was missing some books, some paraphernalia, and figurines as well. The lone framed photograph was gone too, he didn’t want to think why Stephen would want to keep that, but he was glad that he wouldn't have to get rid of it, as if he could bring himself to do so.

He went to his room and saw the closet door wide open. A lot of clothes were missing, the closet looked way too big. In fact, why was it so empty? There was supposed to be a suit inside a garment bag, but it was missing. Stephen wouldn’t dare, would he?

He dialed before he could think. Stephen picked up at the fourth ring.

“Stephen, did you take my suit with you? the one in the bag?” Yuuri felt his anxiety start to act up, he wanted to go no-contact with his ex, but he needed that suit, it had been a gift from his parents.

“Wow, not even a hi?” Stephen had the audacity to sound offended, “I did, I have it with me, you lent it to me often, so I took it.”

“Yeah, lent, it’s mine, give it back, I need it.” Yuuri urged, had Stephen not had enough?

“No, I won’t give it back, I don’t want to.” 

And just like that, Stephen ended the call.

Yuuri stood there astonished. In a burst of anger, he deleted everything that had to do with Stephen from his phone.

He threw himself on the bed and cried. He didn’t know how he could still produce tears after having cried for the most part of the day, but it didn’t matter. He didn’t have the energy to do anything. He let his tears lull him to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's title comes from Illenium's Without you.  
> I hope you liked the chapter. Kudos, comments and everything in between is appreciated, as always.  
> Read you soon!


	7. It ain't my darkest day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sundays are designated lazy days, they are meant to be spent resting, doing nothing productive. Sundays are days where you just exist, but this Sunday in particular Yuuri wished he didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! just a quick warning: this chapter talks a bit about neglecting self-care (not treating wounds and skipping meals). I don't dive to deep into it, but it's still there.   
> Please take care.

Sundays are designated lazy days, they are meant to be spent resting, doing nothing productive. Sundays are days where you just exist, but this Sunday in particular Yuuri wished he didn’t. He had woken up past noon with a splitting headache, puffy eyes, and dry tears on his face. A loud sob erupted from his chest as soon as reality hit him once again. 

He rolled around in bed, curling up and wincing when his blistered feet brushed against the blanket. He didn’t bother taking a look last night to see how bad it was, maybe it had been a bad idea. That didn’t matter now though, he was already hurting on the inside, he could handle some more discomfort.

It was times like this that Yuuri wished Vicchan was still alive. No one made him feel better than Vicchan ever did. The brown toy poodle cuddled Yuuri and licked his tears away whenever he was upset or helped him calm down whenever he had a panic attack. Phichit had suggested he adopt another dog, but Yuuri declined saying that he’d feel awful if he adopted with the sole intention of replacing Vicchan.

Feeling even more upset than when he woke up, he closed his eyes and slept the day away. Hopefully, he’d woke up to find out it was a bad dream, or at least he wouldn’t hurt as much.

* * *

The loud beeping of the alarm startled Yuuri, waking him up.

He got up from bed and took a shower reluctantly. He didn’t put much thought on his outfit, he just picked what he found most comfortable: a fluffy knitted sweater and an old pair of jeans. He didn’t bother with breakfast; he didn’t feel like he could stomach anything.

The walk to the conservatory was a challenge. Yuuri’s feet hurt badly from the untreated blisters he had gotten a couple of days ago. He knew he should’ve taken the bus but walking helped him stop his thoughts from wandering.

He caught his reflection on the conservatory’s doors. to say he looked awful was an understatement. His hair was a tousled mess as he just let it air-dry, he had bags under his eyes despite having slept all day, his eyes didn’t have their usual spark. He looked as miserable as he felt.

Classes went by in a blur. He might as well not have come; he couldn’t concentrate at all. He felt exhausted and slightly dizzy. As much as he would’ve loved to take a nap in the three free hours he had, he knew that he wouldn’t find the motivation to wake up on time for his performance. Instead, he found an empty classroom and took out his violin, a couple of blank music sheets, a pencil, and his phone.

Yuuri searched for a video of Victor playing his newest piece, hopefully someone had recorded and uploaded it. Much to his surprise, someone had done it, it was an awful quality video that was taken sneakily, but it was there.

He didn’t always learn pieces by ear, it took a great effort on Yuuri’s part, but he could use the distraction. First, he wrote down what he thought were the right notes —a task that proved difficult when the whole orchestra joined, but he managed. Then, he grabbed his violin and bow and started playing, making adjustments to the music sheet as he went. He let himself get lost in the task. Experimentally playing notes to see which one sounded better, making the corrections in the sheets.

It took longer than he expected for a less-than-three-minutes piece, but he finished it. Yuuri played it from the beginning. He let himself get lost in the melancholic cries of his instrument. For a moment, he allowed himself to close his eyes and bask in the feeling, tears falling from his eyes.

* * *

Yuuri had never regretted his clothing choices more than when he stepped into the auditorium. Everyone was wearing semi-formal attires. He didn’t remember Professor Giacometti saying anything about it, then again, maybe he did when Yuuri left the class early. It was too late to dwell on it though, he had no time to go back to his apartment and change.

Seung-Gil arrived shortly after; he was dressed as if he had gotten the memo that Yuuri missed. However, Yuuri knew that wasn’t the case, the pianist always dressed like that for classes. The both of them took a sit in the third row and waited for everyone to settle down.

There were a few people besides the students, most likely friends and family. Yuuri felt a wave of sadness wash over him. Stephen was supposed to be there, for the first time ever he had agreed to come to see Yuuri play in a proper setting. If only things had gone differently.

“First of all, I’d like to thank everyone for coming.” Professor Giacometti said from the stage, the audience’s chatter dying down. “Today, I have a guest in the audience, he’s a good friend of mine, and I’d like for him to say something to you, so, Victor, if you will.” 

Yuuri almost fainted when he saw the one and only Victor Nikiforov stand up from the first row and walk to the stage. He was sure Victor was saying something, his lips were forming words yet Yuuri couldn’t hear anything. He felt panic start to rise in his chest. His idol was standing right in front of him and would watch him perform in his totally inappropriate attire. The day couldn’t get any worse.

The applause snapped Yuuri from his thoughts just in time to hear the first name being called.

Student after student performed, some had gone with a safe option, others had chosen difficult pieces; it was clear that everyone had the same objective: impress Victor Nikiforov.

“Next we have Yuuri Katsuki who will be playing Amy Beach’s Violin Sonata in A minor, Opus 34, first movement.” Giacometti announced way too soon for Yuuri’s liking, but he had to play at some point.

Yuuri and Seung-Gil took their places on the stage. Yuuri tried hard to ignore the tightening in his chest, as well as the expectant gaze of the audience. 

The piano started playing, Yuuri positioned himself and joined just in time. No matter how much he tried, he couldn’t get into the performance. His movements felt too robotic, too stiff, and the fact that he was growing dizzier by the second and his sight was blurry even with his glasses on wasn’t helping. Still, he played the piece to the best of his abilities. 

Just as he finished playing, he felt like he was about to pass out. He quickly bowed and left the auditorium not wanting to embarrass himself further. He lied down on a wooden bench near the entrance of the auditorium, covering his eyes with his right arm, his left arm dangling on the side of the bench.

“Are you okay? Should I call someone?” a voice with a Russian accent asked him.

“Just… one second.” Yuuri forced himself to say, although it came out as a mutter.

After taking a few deep breaths he felt his head clear up. He uncovered his eyes and sat down properly, his head and back resting on the wall beside him. He looked at the man standing in front of him, his silver hair neatly styled, his blue eyes tinted with what seemed like worry, dressed in a white shirt and gray slacks.

“Sorry, I’m okay now.” Yuuri smiled weakly.

Victor looked at him skeptically and promptly started searching through the pockets of his slacks. After a few seconds he handed out a cherry flavored candy. Yuuri looked at him quizzically.

“You looked like you were going to faint just now, the candy should pick you up a bit, but you should go see a doctor or something.” Victor sounded genuinely worried.

Yuuri accepted the candy and popped it into his mouth after unwrapping it. “No, it’s nothing, I just haven’t been eating properly, it must be that.” 

The fact was that Yuuri hadn’t eaten anything since Friday due to him being too engrossed in his sorrow, but he couldn’t tell Victor just that, he had already made a terrible first impression.

“I actually had something to tell you,” Yuuri raised an eyebrow at Victor’s statement “I’ll be imparting a masterclass, Chris gave me a few student’s names, but I wanted to invite you as well.”

“Me?” Disbelief was shown on Yuuri’s face. He surely had died, there was no way Victor Nikiforov was inviting him personally to attend a masterclass that thousands of people would kill for.

“Yes, you.” Victor smiled. “I was going to ask you earlier, but I had a call and when I hung up you were gone, I thought I wouldn’t see you again, but I was glad when I saw you were one of Chris’ students.” seeing the confused expression of Yuuri, Victor continued. “I heard you play my piece earlier today.”

Yuuri could feel himself blush from embarrassment. Not only had his idol seen him underdressed and almost pass out, but he had also seen him crying while butchering the piece Victor had most likely spent a long time perfecting.

“If you’re interested, it’ll start next Monday, it’ll last two weeks and it’s from four to six in the evening, think about it, I’ll save you a place, if you don’t come by on Monday, I’ll take you weren’t interested and invite someone else, so no pressure.” Victor smiled widely. “I hope to see you there, Yuuri.”

With that, Victor went back into the auditorium, leaving behind a very dumbfounded Yuuri. Maybe today wasn’t the worst day after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's title is from AJR's Break My Face.  
> It's the third time Victor had made an appearance and I'm so happy that the story is finally moving on.  
> Thank you for the kudos and comments and everything else, it really means a lot to me, I never thought people would like to read what I wrote but here we are!  
> Read you soon!


	8. It’s good to know I got a bud like you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri knew it was a matter of time before his friend knew about his breakup, he had just hoped it’d been when he had felt a little better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! today I bring you some venting on Yuuri's part. I just wanted to have someone be there for him because he's going through a lot.

“Seriously, Yuuri? I’m not mad that you didn’t tell me, but I am upset that you knew you were hurting yourself and didn’t ask for help. I could’ve stayed at yours, or you could’ve spent a few days at mine.” Phichit said angrily looking at the road ahead.

Yuuri knew it was a matter of time before his friend knew about his breakup, he had just hoped it’d been when he had felt a little better. He could only deal with disappointing one person at a time.

After making a fool of himself in front of  _ the  _ Victor Nikiforov, Yuuri sent Phichit a message asking for a ride. He had tried to walk to his apartment, but he had barely managed to get to the entrance of the main building before starting to feel faint again. 

“I know.” Yuuri mumbled. “I just didn’t…” tears started rolling down his cheeks.

“Want to impose?” Phichit finished for him, “Yuuri, I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again, you are not a burden, I’m your friend and I’ll always be there when you need me, just as I know you will as well when the time comes.” He let out a defeated sigh.

Yuuri wiped his tears with his sleeve. “This is not the way to my apartment.”

“You’ll be staying at mine for a few days,” Yuuri opened his mouth to say something but Phichit kept talking before he had the chance to do so. “We’ll watch movies, eat copious amounts of ice cream and we can talk about it if you want.”

Yuuri kept crying, this time from relief. There were still people who cared about him.

* * *

“I know I said movies, but I’m also open to soap operas or reality shows.” Phichit handed Yuuri a half-eaten tube of neapolitan ice cream and a spoon and sat next to him getting under the blanket draped over Yuuri’s lap.

“I’m not really in the mood for anything, Peach.” Yuuri could feel his friend’s stern gaze. “I guess I wouldn’t mind watching someone stress over a failed panna cotta.” he smiled weakly.

They spent the evening watching a dessert cook-off and eating the ice cream. For a couple hours, Yuuri only focused on the pretty —and sometimes architecturally challenging— desserts, he had always liked watching cooking competitions but rarely had the time to do so.

At some point, Yuuri found himself cuddling with Phichit. It had been a while since the last time they did. Even though Stephen had never voiced it, Yuuri didn’t want to risk his (now ex) boyfriend getting mad at him for getting overly affectionate with his best friend. He knew his relationship with Phichit was nothing more than platonic, but there was always an uncertainty to Stephen’s reactions to things.

He didn’t even notice when he started crying again. Phichit pulled him closer and started stroking his hair. Yuuri appreciated that his friend never pressed him, it was a stark contrast to his ex. Stephen always forced out whatever was on Yuuri’s mind and got mad whenever he couldn’t.

“He… he just left, he didn’t fight for me, he never did.” Yuuri said between sobs. “I-I was always the o-one to apologize, t-to put effort in, in our relationship.” he wiped his tears, but new ones kept falling. “Peach, I, I don’t even think his friends knew we were together.”

Phichit handed him a box of tissues so he could blow his nose.

“We only had one picture together, one!” Yuuri stammered. “Two years of-of my life to the trash be-because I didn’t have sex with him.” He could feel the anger start bubbling in his chest. “I-I told him, from the very beginning, but, but he thought I was testing him.” He said bitterly. “And, and he had the audacity to-to ask if we could stay as friends, can you believe that? after, after calling me a burden and, and…”

“He did what?!” Phichit said a tad too loudly, anger laced in his voice.

“I-I don’t understand, Peach, he made me rely on him, and only him, when it came to my anxiety,” Yuuri turned to look at Phichit. “He said to always come to him, and he would get mad if I wanted to keep some of my worries to myself, he said my problems didn’t burden him, he said I wasn’t a burden, but then I suddenly am and I don’t understand, I only did what he wanted.” Yuuri grabbed another tissue and blew his nose.

“Is that why you didn’t call me?” Phichit asked softly, as if his friend would break if he spoke any louder.

Yuuri nodded. “I-I didn’t want you to leave me too, I-I wouldn’t be able to take it.”

Phichit pulled him into a tight hug.

“Yuuri, I won’t leave you, we’re best friends, I’m afraid you’re stuck with me for eternity.” Phichit pulled back from the hug to wipe some of Yuuri’s tears, the latter let out a weak laugh. “I’m serious Yuuri, I’ll follow you even as a ghost.” He smiled warmly hoping his friend would return it. He didn’t, but at least he had stopped crying.

“I feel so lost, as if he took part of me with him.” Yuuri looked at his lap. “Which reminds me, he took with him the suit my parents gifted me.” He furrowed his eyebrows in frustration. It was a somewhat expensive suit, his parents had saved money to be able to afford it. “I asked him to give it back but he refused, I guess I can buy another one later on, but…”

“It was a gift, it wouldn’t be the same.” Phichit finished. 

Yuuri nodded.

“I always did what he wanted.” Yuuri’s eyes stung from fighting the upcoming tears, it was a mystery to him how he could still be producing them. “I-I rarely complained or argued with him. I n-never got mad when he forgot about our dates or, or our anniversary.” Yuuri wiped away the sole tear that managed to escape from his eye. “I was so stupid Peach, I’ve been making excuses for him from the very beginning, you told me so yourself, but I just, I just ignored it. I kept believing him when he said he’d make it up to me, but he never did.” Yuuri grabbed a tissue to blow his nose again, but instead just clasped it tightly to let out some of his pent-up anger.

“You believed him because you loved him, Yuuri, and he knew that.” Phichit grabbed Yuuri’s hands to comfort him. “He took advantage of your feelings, don’t beat yourself up for loving someone.”

“I’ve been thinking about moving out.” Yuuri confessed. “The apartment holds too many memories, it pains me to be there.”

“You know, I’ve been considering getting a roommate for a while now.” Phichit saw Yuuri open his mouth to start refusing but didn’t give him the chance to. “I have a spare room that I’ve been using as storage, and I won’t lie, I’d be happy to pay less rent, I could afford more things for my hamsters.” He smiled and elbowed Yuuri softly on the side in a teasing manner.

“You don’t have to take me in out of pity.” 

“I’m not, I’m serious Yuuri, besides, we had plans of moving in together before you moved into your apartment.” 

Yuuri couldn’t argue against that. Phichit was right. Had he not moved in with Stephen, he’d be living with Phichit at the very same apartment he was currently in.

“I’ll hand out a notice to my tenant tomorrow.” Yuuri managed to smile.

“We’ll start bringing your stuff here tomorrow after classes, but for now,” Phichit stood up from the couch and pulled Yuuri up with him. “I’m going to draw you a bath and afterwards off to bed you go, you’ve been through a lot and you need to rest.”

Yuuri let Phichit drag him to the bathroom. He started taking his socks off as his friend prepared the bath.

“What happened to your feet?” concern present in Phichit’s voice.

“I might’ve walked a lot with the wrong choice of shoes.” Yuuri looked at his feet and winced at the sight. They looked bad, some blisters had popped. It hurt just to look at them. 

“I’ll head out for some bandages and some more ice cream while you take your bath, don’t put on socks after you’re done, I’ll treat you when I come back.” 

Phichit left the bathroom and came back shortly after with some clean clothes for Yuuri to change into. Yuuri thanked him, Phichit smiled and headed out to the store.

Yuuri got in the bathtub, the water was slightly hot, it made him reminisce about his parent’s hot springs.

* * *

Phichit returned before Yuuri got out of the bath.

After getting out when the water was starting to cool down and getting dressed, Yuuri let Phichit in. The Thai treated his blisters carefully and bandaged his feet in the same manner. Yuuri wondered if his friend had done it before.

It was at that moment that Yuuri realized that he wasn’t alone, he had Phichit: a friend he could always count on, who loved him unconditionally. Phichit, who was always there for him, who knew what to do to help him, who would do anything for him no questions asked. Phichit always knew how to cheer him up, how to pick him up. Yuuri was so grateful to have such a good friend. It was nice to know that he’ll always have someone to turn to in times of need, just as he’ll always be right there for his friend as well.

Stephen might have taken with him part of Yuuri, but he didn’t take away his love. After all, love isn’t just about romantic partners, but about friends as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's title comes from AJR's Bud Like You.  
> I want to thank you for your comments and kudos, it makes my day to read what you have to say.  
> I hope you enjoyed today's chapter. Read you soon!


	9. Put Your Best Face On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri was set to not dwell in his feelings and put on a calm façade to not worry his friend, or to not spark anyone’s curiosity at the conservatory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Today we have some more Phichit and Yuuri interaction aaaaand... well, you'll have to read for yourself ;)
> 
> Hope you enjoy today's chapter!

Living with Phichit was better than Yuuri expected, even if it had just been for a few days.

Yuuri found it comforting to come home to or with someone. Phichit never crossed the boundaries that Yuuri set, he gave Yuuri space whenever he needed it, or was right there when Yuuri couldn’t deal with his sorrow alone. Phichit didn’t intrude on his friend’s feelings unless asked to. Still, Yuuri was set to not dwell in his feelings and put on a calm façade to not worry his friend, or to not spark anyone’s curiosity at the conservatory.

Little by little, Yuuri’s stuff found its way to Phichit’s apartment —now theirs. Yuuri handed out a moving notice to his landlord during one of his trips to pick up what he wanted to keep. He was expected to vacate the apartment in a month, but by the end of the week Yuuri was all done.

In turn, Phichit had let his landlord know about Yuuri. The man didn’t seem bothered by it as long as they kept up with the rent.

“Ugh, the music room I use after classes is booked tomorrow, I really like the acoustics of it.” Phichit whined while he took a spoonful of cereal.

“Don’t all music rooms sound the same?” Yuuri raised an eyebrow.

“Absolutely not!” Phichit looked offended. “I’ll let you know that music room four has the best acoustics of all the music rooms in the conservatory.” He said smugly.

Yuuri rolled his eyes.

“I swear! That’s why they use it for special occasions!” Phichit was a bit too passionate about the topic. “I heard it’s because of a violin masterclass, but only 10 students recommended by a teacher will attend.” he pouted. “Everybody is tight lipped though, I couldn’t figure out who are those selected, or who is the one imparting it.”

“Oh, it’s Victor Nikiforov.” Yuuri shrugged and took a sip out of his —almost forgotten— cup of green tea.

“ _ The _ Victor Nikiforov?” Phichit’s eyes widened comically as he processed the information. “Wait, how do you know that?” 

“Um, he… told me.” Yuuri mumbled.

“Victor Nikiforov himself?” Phichit said, disbelief notable in his voice.

Yuuri nodded. “He showed up to the performance I had for Giacometti’s class on Monday.”

“He was at the conservatory when I picked you up?” Phichit’s voice raised an octave.

“In the auditorium.” Yuuri took a sip of his tea. “Anyway, he heard me play, twice.”

“Twice? Weren’t you supposed to just play one piece?”

“And I did, but he heard me play earlier that day, I didn’t know until he told me.” Yuuri sighed. “After performing for Giacometti’s class, Victor followed me out of the auditorium and invited me to the masterclass personally.”

“Victor,  _ the _ Victor Nikiforov, personally asked you to go to his masterclass.” Phichit was so astonished that he didn’t reach for his spoon that fell into his bowl. Yuuri nodded. “You’re going right? How silly of me to ask, of course you’re going, I shouldn’t have…”

“I… I’m not, actually.” Yuuri interrupted.

“Yuuri! You  _ are _ going to attend that masterclass.” The Thai chastised. “He invited you personally, you  _ can’t _ turn him down, I’m not letting you pass up this opportunity.” His voice softened. “You’re going to regret it in the future if you don’t go, he could put a good word for you.”

“That’d be like cheating.”

“No, that’d be the result of having taken a once in a lifetime opportunity.” Phichit countered. “You have to go Yuuri, how many opportunities like this have you let go in the past?” 

“Peach.” Yuuri whined. He didn’t like where the conversation was going.

“No, Yuuri. You turned down the invitation to go take a masterclass out of the country last year, you limited yourself because of  _ him _ , why should you now that he’s gone?” 

Yuuri shrugged but didn’t argue, Phichit was right after all. He had passed up great opportunities just to be with Stephen and not upset him. Everything always revolved around him, Yuuri always made plans around Stephen’s schedule. Why had he been doing everything around his ex’s plans?

“Go to the class tomorrow, it’ll take your mind off your thoughts for a while, and you’ll improve your violin skills, which I think they are top-notch already.” Phichit smiled warmly, Yuuri returned a shy smile and rolled his eyes. “Seriously Yuuri, you need this, so take the chance.”

Hearing the pleading tone in his friend’s voice, Yuuri relented. He couldn’t keep drowning in sorrow, he needed to focus on something else. It wasn’t that he was avoiding his feelings —no, he knew that by doing so he would only prolong his healing process. He wanted to find something to hold onto, something that would keep him moving forward.

“I’ll have to see if I can move my tutoring lessons, one of my students has a competition soon, and I took in two more students last week. I don’t want to drop any of them.”

Yuuri caught a glimpse of Phichit’s pleased smile.

* * *

Agreeing to attend the masterclass meant Yuuri had to move his tutoring sessions at a later time, from six thirty to eight thirty. Yuuri would have to go as soon as the masterclass ended. It was somewhat of a tight schedule, but he could make it work. More so, because Phichit had agreed to lend Yuuri his car so that he wouldn’t risk any delays with public transportation.

Thankfully, all three of the students’ parents agreed to the change of schedule in such a short notice. He was glad that the parents that he was working for were so understanding.

Monday passed in the blink of an eye. Soon enough, Yuuri found himself on his way back to the conservatory after having lunch with Phichit at their apartment, nerves and excitement rushing through his veins. It was a very welcome feeling, a good contrast to the sadness that lingered most of the day.

Yuuri found his way to music room four. At the entrance was a small table with a list and pen resting on top of it. Yuuri skimmed through the list until he found his name and signed next to it.

He took a deep breath and walked into the room. Inside were a few students scattered around, thankfully he hadn’t been the last one to show up.

Yuuri took a seat and settled his belongings next to him, making sure to set his violin case carefully. 

He took in his surroundings. The room wasn’t anything new, just a plain white room with wooden floorboards. There was a black grand piano in the corner of the room, right next to a whiteboard. The seats in the middle of the room were forming a semicircle, a lone chair was facing them from the opposite side.

The students settled around Yuuri and talked amongst them. Some tried to include him in their conversation, but he wasn’t feeling up to talk to anyone. He didn’t want to risk it. He broke down for seemingly no reason at the most random of times.

The door opened and in came Victor Nikiforov dressed in a baby pink silk shirt with the sleeves rolled up, black slacks, and black shoes to match. 

Suddenly, Yuuri felt a little underdressed with his black hoodie and light blue jeans. He had thought of wearing something more formal for the day, but in the end, he didn’t find the energy nor the motivation to do so. 

Victor walked to the lone chair that faced the students. “Good afternoon, everyone! I’m Victor Nikiforov, and thank you for attending, I hope that by the end of this masterclass we all learn something new and improve our skills and techniques.” 

In a different circumstance, Yuuri might’ve found Victor’s cheery tone contagious. Ever since the breakup, he had been apathetic at best and awfully sad at worst. But he didn’t let himself show it, not until he was away from prying eyes.

Constantly pretending that everything’s okay was exhausting. Yuuri regretted showing up halfway through the class. He barely paid attention to the exercises and what was being said. His posture was atrocious, the hold and movements of his bow were sloppy. He winced every time he played the wrong note.

Much to Yuuri’s relief the class came to an end. He didn’t hear what he imagined were Victor’s closing words and see-you-tomorrow, he was too busy putting his violin and bow in its case as quickly as he could —after wiping the resin off the strings and loosening them— so that he could get to his tutoring session in time.

Lost in his activity, Yuuri didn’t notice the Russian approaching him.

Victor cleared his throat to get Yuuri’s attention. “I’m glad to see you here.” he smiled.

Yuuri gave an acknowledging nod, closed his case, and picked it up. He knew he was coming off as rude, but he had a place to be and he didn’t have the energy to make or keep small talk.

“In a hurry?” Victor inquired, dissatisfied with Yuuri’s silence.

“Yes, sorry, I have to go to work.” Yuuri finally looked at Victor, “I really have to go now if I want to make it on time.”

“I won’t delay you any longer, then.” Victor smiled warmly and took a step back, a cue to let Yuuri go.

“See you tomorrow, Mr. Nikiforov.” Yuuri gave a small smile and turned around to leave. He didn’t miss how Victor’s smile turned brighter.

* * *

Yuuri barely made it to his student’s house on time. 

As soon as the mom opened the door, Yuuri put his façade back on and offered the warmest smile he could muster after his long day. He only needed to keep it on for two more hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today’s title is brought to you by AJR’s Bang! You might have noticed by now that I listen to the same three artists :/ 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading! And thanks for leaving kudos and comments, I love reading what's on your mind!
> 
> You can find me on twitter [@Arleene_Haden](https://twitter.com/Arleene_Haden)  
> Read you soon!


	10. A Promise of Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe this was the day where things started to look up for Yuuri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine’s Day!! I know it’s a day after but I intended to write some fluffy one shot for it, but it took a twist and now it’s long and I’m like halfway through it.  
> Sorry for updating it a little later than I usually do, I got a little caught up with work, uni and my anxiety was acting up, but everything's okay now.  
> Anyway, enjoy today’s chapter!

Yuuri was having a very uneventful Tuesday as all of his professors had decided to do a review on theory or techniques, respectively. He didn’t mind it, though, he still felt awfully sad to try to grasp new concepts. 

As soon as his last class ended Yuuri headed to music room four, with three hours to spare. He considered taking a nap, but promptly decided against it as it would be embarrassing if someone else arrived early and found him snoring or drooling. However, a nap did sound tempting and maybe it would be worth the humiliation.

A notification from his phone interrupted Yuuri from his dilemma. It was a message from Minako, asking if he had received the package that his family had sent him for his birthday.

Yuuri’s eyes widened as he read the message multiple times. He had been so out of it that he had forgotten his own birthday. But how could he not? Stephen had broken up with him the night before. Why would he remember something as silly as his birthday when his world was going through a cataclysmic event?

After a quick reply to Minako thanking her for the heads-up, Yuuri started his trip to his old apartment complex to pick the package up. He went by foot with the intention to kill some time, and hoped that some fresh air would sweeten his mood.

The walk was more pleasant than he had expected. The sun was shining brightly and did its best to warm everything up, but the crisp wind of early december didn’t make it easy. To keep himself warm and avoid catching a cold, Yuuri took out a scarf from his messenger bag and wrapped it messily around his neck, making sure to cover his mouth and nose as well.

Stepping into the apartment complex was emotionally taxing, memories came to Yuuri’s mind, unwanted memories that he would rather forget. As quickly as he could, he picked up the package and some mail that he had forgotten to get before he moved to Phichit’s.

After making a mental note to call his family to let them know his new address, Yuuri walked back to the conservatory. This time the walk felt longer due to the somewhat heavy box he was carrying.

Yuuri got back to music room four a few minutes past two. Not being able to fight his curiosity, he opened the box and went through its contents: some japanese snacks and drinks, a black three piece suit and a navy blue tie.

After making some mental calculations to make sure his parents were awake, Yuuri packed everything back and called his mom. She picked up after a couple of rings.

“ _Yuuri! Happy birthday! I’m so glad you called, did you get your present? We sent it in advance so that it would get there on time.”_ Hiroko’s chirpy voice came through the phone’s speaker.

“ _Thanks, mom. I have it here with me, I love it.”_ Yuuri answered back in japanese. It felt reassuring to do so. “ _I’m sorry I didn’t call on my birthday.”_

“ _Oh, don’t worry about that._ ” Hiroko reassured. “ _Did you have fun on your birthday?_ ”

And just like that, Yuuri broke down. He told his mom all that had happened during the past week between sobs. She listened to him and waited until he was done talking.

“ _Yuuri, I’m really sorry that you’re going through that, I wish I could be there to cook you some katsudon and wipe your tears away._ ” Hiroko said tenderly, making Yuuri choke back a sob. “ _You have every right to be sad, you loved him, after all. But don’t let yourself drown in that feeling._ ”

“ _I’m trying, mom, but I… I just feel awful, no matter how hard I try to be happy._ ” Yuuri stuttered.

“ _Let yourself grieve your relationship, Yuuri, you two were together for a long time, you can’t expect yourself to be over it in just a week._ ”

They kept talking for a while longer. Hiroko spent most of the call reassuring Yuuri and telling him sweet things in the hopes of making him feel better. When the call ended Yuuri went to the closest restroom to wash his face and blow his nose.

There was still a good hour left before the masterclass started, so you can imagine Yuuri’s surprise when he found Victor in the music room looking curiously at his things, especially at his package.

“Um, those are mine.” Yuuri said meekly.

“Ah! I’m glad, I was wondering if I had to take it somewhere.” Victor smiled and walked towards his seat. He took out some music sheets and started arranging them in his music stand. “And, how was your job yesterday? Where did you play?”

“Oh no, no, I don’t play at events, I give lessons to beginners.” Yuuri laughed nervously. “I do have a student that is on a competing level, but that’s it.”

Victor looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “You don't play at events?”

“I… I’m not that good, so, yeah.” Yuuri looked at his feet, his cheeks red with embarrassment. 

“What do you mean you’re not good?” Victor’s confusion was written all over his face. “If that were the case, you wouldn’t be attending this masterclass.”

Yuuri looked at Victor with wide eyes.

“Could you play my piece for me?” Victor asked. It almost sounded like a plea. “The one I listened to you play before your performance in the auditorium.”

“S-sure.” 

Yuuri took out the music sheets where he had written by ear La Parfume des Fleurs. He placed the sheets in the stand and took out his violin and bow to tighten the strings and tune it quickly. Victor watched him intently.

Taking a deep breath, Yuuri positioned himself and began playing under Victor’s gaze. The violin’s sound engulfed them both in the melody. Yuuri knew the piece wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t that bad either. It was decent at most. Although he didn’t feel like he had done it justice. But, could anyone have? Probably not, it was a piece written by Victor Nikiforov after all.

When Yuuri finished playing, Victor smiled warmly and praised him for arranging the piece so well only by ear. Yuuri melted a little, it wasn’t every day that the violinist that you have looked up for a long while praised you for interpreting —and butchering— one of their pieces.

“If you don’t mind, could you play this one? I’ll be playing with you, but I’ll be the second violin.” Victor was handing him some music sheets.

Yuuri took them and nodded. He let Victor prepare his instrument.

“Ready?” Victor asked, and Yuuri nodded.

Victor started playing, he looked as graceful as the night Yuuri had watched it perform with the philharmonic. The night it all fell apart.

Yuuri shook himself out of his thoughts and almost missed his entrance. He hoped that Victor hadn’t noticed.

As they kept playing, Yuuri realized that being second violin didn’t suit Victor. It wasn’t like he was terrible at it —he was perfect, actually—, but Victor deserved to have all eyes on him, to have everyone listen to him play. 

All too soon, the piece came to an end.

“I knew you’d play it perfectly.” Victor said happily.

Yuuri couldn’t help but smile. Victor’s cheeriness was contagious.

“You are a good violinist, Yuuri. Don’t put yourself down, okay?” Victor said, sincerity laced in his voice.

“I-I won’t.” Yuuri stuttered. “Thank you, Mr. Nikiforov.”

“Oh, please call me Victor, Mr. Nikiforov makes me feel old,” Victor whined “I’m only twenty six!”

Yuuri figured that if there had been a fainting couch in the room, Victor would have draped himself over it. For the first time since that terrible night, Yuuri laughed sincerely at the mental image. Who would’ve thought that _the_ Victor Nikiforov could be so dramatic?

“What is it?” Victor was laughing too. He had a musing look on his face.

“Sorry, it’s nothing.” Yuuri swatted his hand in a dismissive way, and tried to control his giggling. “I just remembered something funny.”

Victor opened his mouth to say something, but at that exact moment, someone entered the room. After greeting the other student, Victor turned back to Yuuri.

“If you ever are interested in playing at events, let me know. I’ll be staying here until mid January, so I can help you personally until then.” Victor smiled and handed Yuuri a card with his email and phone number. “You can contact me after I leave, I know some people around here and I can refer them to you if they are looking for someone.” 

More students entered the music room and Victor went to greet them as they arrived.

Yuuri was left astounded by Victor’s willingness to help. Why was he being so nice to him? Had he really been that amazed with his performance? Yuuri couldn’t understand why, he was only a violinist amongst thousands. But who was he to contradict Victor’s opinion?

Maybe he should take Victor’s help. Maybe performing would help him focus on something else and feel less miserable, besides, a little extra money wouldn’t hurt. 

Maybe this was the day where things started to look up for Yuuri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's title is brought to you by Dodie Clark's Ready Now.
> 
> Things are going to start taking a good turn. I wonder why Victor wants to help Yuuri so badly.
> 
> Thanks for your kudos and comments, they mean a lot to me. And I love reading what you think about the chapters you read. Always feel free to leave them, even if the chapter was posted long ago.
> 
> Read you soon!


	11. You’re Only Going Up From Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He just needed to find his footing again, and to relearn that he was allowed to do what he enjoyed and wanted with no limitations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! My weeks' have been hectic. Between work, uni and just life, I barely had time to write, but here it is!  
> Just a quick announcement, I'm looking for a beta (18+) to help me review and edit my fics. Feel free to contact me through mail or twitter, you can find them on my profile.  
> Anyway, enjoy!

Silence.

All Yuuri wanted in the morning was to wake up to silence, not the loud screech of Phichit. Before Yuuri could go out and investigate, Phichit entered the room and threw himself on the bed on top of Yuuri, a piece of paper in hand.

“I thought, I really thought we were best friends.” Phichit whined loudly and emphasized the ‘really’.

“What are you talking about?” Yuuri rubbed his eyes to try and get a better look at his friend.

“What are you talking about?” Phichit mocked, “What do you mean what am I talking about?! Why, please do tell me, why there was a card with Victor Nikiforov’s contact information on our coffee table?” His voice grew louder by the word, making Yuuri grimace as he went on.

“Don’t be so loud, Phichit.” Yuuri scolded. “Promise you won’t yell again.”

Phichit nodded. Yuuri sighed.

“He gave it to me yesterday, before class.”

Phichit’s mouth opened, then promptly closed when Yuuri glared at him.

“Did you ask for it?” Phichit said a little too quietly, not wanting his friend to get mad and not answer. He was already pushing as it was, he knew that Yuuri wasn’t a morning person.

“No, he gave it to me.” Yuuri covered his eyes with his arm. “He told me to call him if I ever wanted to play at an event or something.”

Yuuri should have expected it, in fact, he  _ was _ expecting it, but that still didn’t prepare him for the horrendously loud screech that escaped Phichit’s mouth. They were surely going to get noise complaints from their neighbors.

“You’re lying, you’re just pulling my leg, is this a prank? Are you recording me? is this your revenge for that one time I made you…”

“No, Peach, I’m not lying.” Yuuri stopped his friend’s word vomit. “And before you ask me, no, I don’t know why he did it.”

Phichit pouted. “Well, it is a bit weird, you’ve only known him for like what? two days?”

“Yeah, I don’t know why he seems so interested in me.” Yuuri looked at his friend who was looking intently at the small card in his hand. “Now, get off me so I can get ready.”

Phichit got up from the bed and went to exit the room so Yuuri could get changed.

“You’re going to call him, right?” Phichit asked from the door.

“Peach.” Yuuri cocked his head to the side.

“No, you have to.” Phichit looked sternly at his friend. “For some reason he’s giving you ridiculously amazing opportunities on a silver plate, you can’t just give them up, do you know how many people would kill for this?” Phichit raised the card.

“I know, but I don’t want to use him like that.” Yuuri looked at his feet and then at his friend. “Besides, performing was never part of my plans, I’m perfectly fine teaching, you know that.”

“I do, and you said it, you are fine teaching, but we both know that’s not really what you want.” Phichit looked to the side. “I’ll go get ready too, we’ll be late otherwise.”

Phichit got out of the room and closed the door softly, as if that could prevent Yuuri from crumbling down after having struck a nerve head on. He was right, Yuuri wanting to be a teacher had never been his first option, but it had become his only choice when he started dating Stephen. He had told Yuuri that they couldn’t live with the uncertainty that being a performer entailed, they needed something secure, something that was sure to be reliable and bring a steady income.

Yuuri groaned. Why did everything have to come back to Stephen?

He chuckled bitterly. Why wouldn’t everything come back to Stephen? Yuuri had planned his life around Stephen. Every single decision he took, he had taken it with Stephen in mind. Yuuri had known at the time that it was the wrong thing to do, but he had grown used to it. He had been so set on fulfilling the role of ‘the perfect boyfriend’ that he willingly sacrificed some of the things he enjoyed for the sake of making his then boyfriend happy.

He had been so naive. Maybe it was a good thing he had been dumped. He just needed to find his footing again, and to relearn that he was allowed to do what he enjoyed and wanted with no limitations.

* * *

The day was uneventful, a common thing as of lately. The only highlight of Yuuri’s day had been the message of a parent cancelling their son’s evening lesson due to a particularly strong cold. 

After having lunch with Phichit at their apartment, and a good nap, Yuuri went back to the conservatory. He arrived at music room four with half an hour to spare. 

Yuuri wandered around the room, looking at the few posters on the walls. Then, his eyes fell on the white grand piano that was in the right corner of the back of the room. He walked towards it and ran his fingers over the lid of the piano. Without giving it much thought, Yuuri sat on the stool. He took off his glasses and put them in the pocket of his jacket.

Yuuri placed his fingers on the keys, closed his eyes and started playing. It had been a while since he had last done it, the past valentine’s day to be precise. One of many dates where Yuuri had been stood up. He had had dinner alone, not wanting to waste his reservation. The restaurant had a piano, and after asking for permission he played a piece, the only piece he knew by heart, Chopin’s Nocturne Op. 9 No. 2. The manager had asked him if he wanted to play there —he would get paid, of course—, but Yuuri refused. He didn’t have the time back then, and the piano wasn’t even his instrument. 

Yuuri had learned how to play the piano when he was little, but once he had found a violin he knew that that was the instrument that he wanted to master, or at least be decent at it. He still played the piano from time to time, but it was rare. 

“You didn’t strike me as a pianist.”

Yuuri jumped in his seat and played the wrong note. He looked at the man that had spoken, Victor, just in time to watch him wince at the unpleasant sound.

“Um, I’m not.” Yuuri ran his fingers through his hair, pushing it backwards and away from his forehead. He missed the look in Victor’s face. “I used to take lessons as a kid, and this is the only piece I know how to play, it’s just muscle memory.”

“Still impressive.”

Yuuri hummed, neither in agreement or disagreement. He took his glasses from his pocket and put them on.

Victor broke the silence. “Yuuri, I wanted to ask you something.”

Yuuri looked at him urging him to continue.

“I’ll be recording my new piece in a studio, but well, one of the violinists had a problem and we haven’t been able to find a replacement, so I was wondering if you’d like to take their place.” Victor looked at him with a subtle smile adorning his lips. “It’s okay to decline, I understand it’s sudden, but you played it perfectly last time. I considered asking you yesterday but…”

They stayed quiet for a while. Yuuri was processing Victor’s words.

“When is it? The recording, I mean.” Yuuri played with his sleeves.

Victor smiled widely, a smile that Yuuri had never seen before, one that suited him better.

“On Sunday, at noon.”

Yuuri took a while to answer. He had nothing to do but didn’t want to seem too eager or too desperate by answering instantly.

“I’m free then.” Yuuri gave a small smile.

“Amazing! I’ll send you the address.” Victor took out his phone and then pouted. “Ah, I don’t have your number, would you mind?” He offered his phone to Yuuri.

Yuuri took the phone and added his number to Victor’s contacts. Phichit was definitely going to lose it later. Hell, he was definitely going to lose it later. He was on the brink of losing it right then and there, but he didn’t want to freak Victor out by reacting like an overly-excited fan. No, he had to play it cool.

“Thanks! You saved me, you might think it’s only violin, but each instrument counts.” Victor smiled as he took his phone back and put it in his slacks’ pocket.

“If you don’t mind me asking,” Yuuri fidgeted with his hands. “I… Why are you doing this?” He met Victor’s confused gaze. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m really thankful, but I just can’t understand why you’re giving me such great opportunities, I’m just one violinist amongst thousands, and there are better violinists than me at the conservatory.”

“Yuuri, don’t sell yourself short, you’re an amazing violinist, I’ve told you before.” Victor frowned, and then turned serious. “But to answer your question, Chris, um, Professor Giacometti told me a lot about you, and you impressed me with your presentation, there are still some things to polish but considering you weren’t at your best, you really are something.” Victor smiled softly. Yuuri cringed at the memory of almost passing out in front of his idol. “I’ve gotten great references from your professors, they all told me you have great potential but that you needed a little push to get there. I’ve been there, too, and I’d like to help you reach your potential.”

Yuuri stayed quiet, not because he didn’t want to answer but because he was at a loss of words.

“Please don’t get this the wrong way.” Victor continued. “I don’t see you as a charity case. I have seen your performances, as well as those of other students, but yours stood out from the rest. You convey the piece’s feeling, not just interpret it and that’s something difficult to achieve and that not everyone understands. I’m sorry if this is too overwhelming to you, I was intending to not come off so strong but, well, the thing with the violinist for the recording came up, and, yeah.” Victor pushed his fringe backwards and then let it fall back on his forehead.

“I… Thank you, for considering me and giving me a chance.” Yuuri caught himself bowing slightly. “I’ll give it everything I’ve got.” 

Yuuri met Victor’s gaze. Both smiling.

“I wasn’t expecting anything less.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's title comes from AJR's Bummerland.  
> Thank you for reading, and for the comments you've left, I love reading and answering them. And thanks for the hits and bookmarks as well.  
> Read you soon!


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